To Settle or Not to Settle?
As a child and teen, I wanted to be a pilot when I grew up. Like other TCKs, I traveled a lot. And airports and airplanes fascinated me! I was reared in Bali, Indonesia. Just outside the fence at the end of the runway of Bali’s Ngurah Rai International Airport was a public road that connected to the Bukit Peninsula at the southern tip of the island. Our family would park the car at the side of that road and watch as jets passed directly over us just moments before touching down on the runway. Even now in my imagination, I can hear the distinct roar of jet engines and see the massive fuselage underbelly as these planes swooshed down from the sky.
Inside the airport, when we travelled, I would press my hands and face to the huge glass windows inside the airport waiting lounge. These windows looked out on the tarmac, taxiways and runways. Planes would take off or land or taxi to the tarmac to park or to dock at jetways (jetways were introduced later as Bali’s airport modernized). I was mesmerized. Later in my adult life, I realized that I didn’t really want to be a pilot. But the thrill of international travel would bring a surge of excited anticipation. What new vistas and experiences awaited as I disembarked, made my way through immigration, baggage claim and customs and exited the airport? I recognized too the tremendous privilege I had to enjoy such travel.
When do you stop moving? TCKs, especially those who continue to live and work internationally in their adult life, know the exhilaration of international travel and adventure. But many express a desire as well to be rooted, to settle. The public Facebook group “Third Culture Kids – TCKs Worldwide,” which I follow, has over 2000 members. A recent post posed this question,
“When do you stop moving? As I’ve got older, and had my own kids, I realize I’ve become less and less interested in moving. Almost scared about it. But I get the impression from some TCK posts that to be a TCK means you can never settle. Is that most people’s experience as they got older?”[1]
The numerous comments to this post and other similar posts I’ve seen seen show the intensity of feelings that arise in response to the question, “To settle or not to settle?” Similarly, TCK specialist and consultant Tanya Crossman, identifies from her research three “core questions” that TCKs ask. Among these core questions is, “[Do I] Move around or settle down?”[2]
What about you? What feelings rise to the surface of your heart when you hear the words “settling down?” For some adult TCKs, because of their global travels and experiences, words and feelings like the following pop up:
missing out on adventure
being tied down
being stuck in a boring life
living a monochrome life
They are afraid that the memories of travel fun, adventure, and an international life will fade like old photographs. Other TCKs long for the stability and rootedness of a settled life. The feelings that push up to the surface of our hearts are affected by a range of factors. Among these would be our distinctive personality traits and our age or life season as an adult TCK (e.g., if we have family and children to care for). The sense of security and of being loved that we each experienced in childhood would also impact how we feel now about “settling down” or not.
Reframing the conversation. What if we reframed the conversation? What if we could experience BOTH settledness AND fun, adventure and a globally engaged life? Is that possible? I believe it is!
Consider the following ABCs to help:
A – Anchor into a sense of at-homeness and belonging that is not necessarily defined by your geographical location yet is fully “present” to the people and activities of your local place or community. When I was a young adult TCK, I held back in relationships, easily judging others without my global life experiences as being culturally ignorant or too provincial. Eventually, I came to realize that the lack of connection with others was mostly inside me. I lacked an anchoring contentment in who I was. My own insecurities and lack of belonging made me easily hold judgments against others that weren’t necessarily true! This lack of an anchor can cause some TCKs to feel restless and want to keep moving. They can miss out on the feeling of settledness and meaningful connections with local friends that bring joy and contentment. Others may settle down geographically but effectively shut out the richness of a globally informed life because of unresolved grief or pain.
B – Believe. It is hard to find a sense of longterm contentment and meaning without core convictions that provide clarity and purpose to our lives. These may include religious convictions, convictions about the importance of family and friends and about work that is personally rewarding and contributing to the common good. For young adult TCKs, these convictions may still be tentative and untested. If that is you, be patient. Find some older mentors and friends who can share their stories and ask you the right kind of questions to deepen your awareness of and commitment to core convictions.
C – Connect with Community. Supportive friendships and community help us to grow continuity and consistency in our lives. They also help us to celebrate milestones in life such as birthdays, anniversaries, holidays and other important life events. Whether we settle down or maintain a globally mobile lifestyle, these friends provide encouragement and reminders to keep developing and having fun.
One additional resource that gives practical advice when considering the question of whether to settle or not is The Reentry Roadmap by Cate Brubaker.[3] This workbook is focused on helping those who are returning or repatriating to a passport country after living and working internationally. But it can be applied more broadly as well. Brubaker encourages readers to identify their emotions, re-frame reentry as “forward -entry” and “forward launch,” and unpack (or process) their reentry backpack. An additional step I found very practical and helpful is to find our “Global Life Ingredients.” In other words, even if we choose to settle in one location, we can identify certain ingredients that we can incorporate in our lives to help us stay globally connected.
[1] Posted on January 15, 2022, by Samad Masood.
[2] Tanya Crossman, Misunderstood: The Impact of Growing Up Overseas in the 21st Century, United Kingdom: Summertime Publishing, 2016, pp 264-265.
[3] Cate Brubaker, The Reentry Roadmap: Find Your Next Best Step after Living Abroad, Thinking Travel Press / Small Planet Studios, 2020.