Stages of Life
My mother-in-law passed away recently. She was a loving homemaker and faithful guardian of family traditions. She also was an expressive creative and poetic wordsmith, committed friend to a large circle of her peers, and an attentive listener to the stories of her beloved family members. With her, a short five-minute conversation was not enough. She made me feel cared for. And during the 26 years that my wife and I and our children lived as expats in Indonesia, she visited us from her home in the US 19 times!
Her death has brought waves of grief to her family. Yet even in her dying, she has given us a gift. It is the gift of an opportunity now to reflect on the meaning of her life. We’ve also bonded as family members with greater love for one another and deeper appreciation for the many simple and consistent ways that she listened, loved, served and expressed her creativity. Paradoxically, in her absence, she has become more poignantly present.
When older loved ones and elders in our community pass away, we find comfort not in recounting their titles, achievements and successes. Instead, we share stories – stories that highlight their qualities and characteristics, that show us how they lived their lives. As we share these stories, we often recognize how a person changed and grew over his or her lifetime.[i] Our lives are dynamic, and different seasons have different characteristic markers and points of focus.
As a life coach, I know that it is important to pay attention to the life stage of the person I am coaching. And for that coachee, it is often a relief for them to know that they can be free from unrealistic expectations for this season of their life. When I coach those who are younger, I recognize that many times they simply need a steadying, come-alongside voice to assure them that they ARE pointed in the right direction. A well-lived life takes time to develop. They very fact that they are talking to me also highlights that they ARE seeking the support of others.
In this blog post, I would like to reflect on characteristics of various seasons of adulthood. This long view helps provide perspective. I hope it prompts gratitude for you as well, as you recognize who you ARE and who you ARE BECOMING, instead of seeing yourself for all the ways that you are supposedly NOT measuring up.
A resource that has helped me understand the reality of change throughout seasons of stages of life is the book Calling All Years Good: Christian Vocation throughout Life’s Seasons. (Grand Rapids, Michigan: Eerdmans, 2017). As the title indicates, the authors write for a Christian audience. However, most of what they write can be applied more broadly, since the longing for a purpose-filled life as well as the reality of change and growth over a lifetime are inherently human. For those who are not familiar with the term “vocation” or “calling,” the words “purpose” or “mission” or “life’s work” are similar terms.
The book is edited by Kathleen A. Cahalan and Bonnie J. Miller-McLemore, with contributions from them and four other authors. It is written like a textbook and includes many footnotes. However, it provides a helpful framework for understanding distinct stages of life: entrance and ending points, characteristics and experiences and communal dynamics of each stage. Two key takeaways from the book are:
We experience multiple callings over a lifetime. We need to discern afresh our vocation or calling(s) throughout all seasons or stages of life.
Our calling is discerned in relationships.
We don’t find our calling or life purpose. It is formed in us in the context of community. We discover that our gifts and deeds of service touch the lives of others. They confirm that calling.
Below is a simplified list of key markers for four distinct stages of life. The book provides considerably more details, including chapters on childhood and adolescence, which I have not referenced here. In addition to markers described in the book, I’ve added markers based on my observations.
Be unhurried as your read this list. What resonates with you? What other markers would you add, based on your own experience and the experience of others you have observed? Space is provided for you to note additional “markers” or comments. What fresh perspective have you gained about your current season of life?
Younger Adulthood
zeal, strength and energy
trying out various roles and identities through “probing commitments” (p. 104)
life can feel adventurous and exciting, but also “elusive, experimental and even chaotic;” (p. 95)
struggling to find a sense of identity
finding (or looking for) a mentor or mentors to help
dating and romantic relationships that are sometimes confusing, sometimes exhilarating.
for some, feeling “on mission,” excited to be part of a cause and connected to a team or a tribe (through meaningful work, social or religious causes)
What would you add?
Middle adulthood
increased experience and maturity
being a player-coach
parents and extended family starting to need care
feeling the weight of others who depend on us
great joys but also painful role/relational/physical losses
leading by position/role and by modeling for others who are younger
for those who are married: children in peer-conscious years and then in nearly-adult and newly adult years. Observing their journeys often prompt our own remembrance of joys and pains in our growing up.
What would you add?
Late adulthood
narrowed leadership roles/turning over leadership
discerning ultimate values
perhaps becoming bi-locational
generativity or desire to influence next generation felt more keenly – through writing, mentoring, and providing hospitality
for those who are married: children starting to marry and have their own children (i.e., our grandchildren).
What would you add?
Older adulthood
facing finitude
reduced physical capacities
needing care
constancy of loss; facing loneliness
finding contentment in receiving/accepting
life “completion tasks” through remembering, reconciling, expressing gratitude and love, saying goodbyes (p. 195)
What would you add?
(Photo by Chris Lawton on Unsplash)
[i] Sadly, some individuals get completely stuck, or their growth plateaus. As a result, death often reopens old wounds among family members.